Confidence Coaching Posts

How to Build Confidence in 2024

Want to learn how to build confidence in 2024?

If so, you're not alone, yet so many people believe it's not possible. They think if they're not confident now, they never can be. Like it's a thing you're either born with or not. If you're one of those people, here's why you're wrong...

Because confidence isn't a thing. It's a skill.

I can't give it to you any more than I can give you fluency in a foreign language. You have to want the skill enough to cast aside your preconceived notions and (in keeping with my analogy) begin learning the alphabet, verb conjugations, and idioms necessary to become fluent in confidence. But no worries. You can do this!

How to Build Confidence and Make 2024 Your Dream Year.

Confidence is like a superpower that can transform you. It's the key to pursuing your dreams, speaking your mind, and living a happy, fulfilling life.

However, for many people, building and maintaining confidence can be a struggle. The good news is that confidence is not an innate trait but a skill that can be developed and nurtured.

And as you develop it, you can use it to confidently go after the life you want in 2024.

In this article, we'll explore actionable steps to help you boost your self-confidence and go after the life you really want.

1. Reconnect with the Person You Knew You Were at Age 8.

The first step in building confidence is understanding and appreciating yourself as you are (check out How to Build Confidence: The Answer is in Your Past.). Your strengths, your quirks, your successes, and your "failures" all contribute to the value you can add to the world. In fact, some of your greatest assets are your flaws and past mistakes, because they make you unique and wiser. Self-acceptance is the foundation of confidence because it frees you from the mistaken idea that you have to somehow fix or otherwise improve yourself before you have worthwhile value. Your value is in who you are, flaws, features, and all.

2. Understand Uppercase vs. Lowercase Confidence.

There are two kinds of confidence, and for all-around success you need to develop both. First is lowercase "C" confidence. This confidence is tied to skills, knowledge, and/or attributes. If you're going after big dreams in 2024, skills and knowledge will be important tools for your success. But to put your skills and knowledge out in the world, you'll also need to hone your uppercase "C" confidence. This is confidence in who you are, what's unique and therefor special about you, and your sense of entitlement to put yourself out there as you improve yourself. If you lack uppercase "C" confidence, no amount of working on your skills will improve it. So work toward improving both.

3. Develop Your Relationship Skills.

Believe it or not, uppercase "C" confidence skills are tied directly to relationship skills. Working on your relationship with yourself (liking and appreciating yourself), your relationship with your peers (feeling like an equal among them), and your relationship with the world and/or audience (you have something they need) will help you become a genuinely confident person in 2024.

4. Turn Your Flaws Into Features.

Don't feel like you have the experience and know-how that others in your field have? Instead of looking at the ways you lack, start looking at what you can offer that THEY lack. This is how you turn "flaws" into "features."

5. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences.

The people you spend time with can have a significant impact on your confidence. Surround yourself with supportive, positive individuals who believe in your abilities and goals. Avoid toxic relationships that drain your self-esteem. One of your first confident acts of power in 2024 can be standing up to, or walking away from, the people who bring you down.

6. Get Help if You Need It.

If you're struggling with confidence despite your best efforts, don't hesitate to seek out guidance, support, and techniques to help you overcome your challenges.

Consider scheduling a free consultation with me. No high-pressure sales. Just a great conversation with no obligation to continue beyond the session.

Learn More About Confidence Coaching and Schedule a Consult

However you decide to build genuine confidence and love your life, do it. You deserve it!

Confidence Coaching Posts

5 Ways to Boost Confidence That You’ll Feel and Portray

Confidence is a skill to be developed and honed. That's good news, because it means if you don't feel it now, you absolutely can! Here are 5 ways to boost your confidence that you will both feel and portray.

Remember, you don't have to nail them all at once. Just continually work to improve each category.

1. Use Confident Body Language:

Posture: Stand tall with your shoulders back and head held high. Good posture not only makes you appear more confident but also affects how you feel about yourself.
Eye Contact: Maintain eye contact when speaking with or to others. It conveys sincerity, attentiveness, and confidence. Avoiding eye contact can give the impression of insecurity, shadiness, or shyness.
Smile: A genuine smile can instantly make you feel more relaxed and confident. According to Dr. Isha Gupta, a neurologist from IGEA Brain and Spine, a smile spurs a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing certain hormones including dopamine and serotonin. “Dopamine increases our feelings of happiness. Serotonin release is associated with reduced stress.

2. Communicate Confidently:

Clear and Assertive Speech: Speak in a clear, steady voice. Avoid words that leak uncertainty, like "I think," "maybe," and "...or whatever." Also avoid filler words like "um" and "uh" (a silent pause is a better option) and speak at a moderate pace. Being assertive and direct in expressing your thoughts and ideas shows confidence.
Active Listening: Confident people are never afraid of another's input. Demonstrate your confidence by actively engaging in conversations. Listen attentively, nod to show understanding, and ask questions to demonstrate your interest. This not only builds your confidence but also helps you connect with others, and show them you are not intimidated by outside perspectives.

3. Set & Achieve Small Goals:

Goal Setting: Set realistic and achievable goals for yourself. These goals could be related to personal development, career, creativity, or any area of your life where you want to build confidence.

Celebrate Achievements: When you achieve a goal, celebrate it. Acknowledge your success, no matter how small. And remember, success isn't always about the outcome. Sometimes, success is simply getting yourself to do something new in a new way. And you should appreciate yourself anytime to go after something new, even if it's done less than perfectly.

Which leads me to the next of 5 ways to boost your confidence...

4. Leave Your Comfort Zone:

Pushing yourself outside your comfort zone will teach you that you're capable of blowing past fears and accomplishing new things.Some ways to leave you comfort zone are:

Try New Hobbies: Pick up a hobby you've never tried before, whether it's painting, dancing, cooking, or playing a musical instrument.
Take on a Physical Challenge: Sign up for a fitness class, try a new sport, or set a fitness goal that challenges you to step outside your physical comfort zone.
Public Speaking: Join a local Toastmasters club or practice speaking in front of small groups. This can help improve communication skills and boost confidence.
Learn a New Skill: Identify a skill you've always wanted to learn, such as coding, a new language, or a form of self-defense, and dedicate time to mastering it.
Volunteer: Step outside your comfort zone by volunteering for a cause or organization that you're passionate about. This can expose you to new perspectives and experiences.
Read Diverse Content: Expand your perspectives by reading books, articles, or watching documentaries on topics you're not familiar with or that challenge your existing beliefs.
Initiate Conversations: Take the initiative to start conversations with people you wouldn't normally approach. This can be in professional or social settings.

5. Find Your Positive People:

Cultivate a supportive and positive social circle. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift and encourage you can have a significant impact on your confidence.
Minimize exposure to negative influences, whether they come from people or media. Choose sources of inspiration that motivate and empower you.
Consider Confidence Coaching: It's the ultimate mentorship program because it's all about you, your needs, your pace, and your confidence to design a life that aligns with you. And there are different package lengths and payment options to make changing your life entirely doable.

Learn About Confidence Coaching

Confidence Coaching Posts

How to Manage Imposter Syndrome: Turn Your “Flaws” Into Features

Wondering how to manage imposter syndrome?

You're not alone. Something like 70% of us are dealing with it to some extent. It's even more prevalent in women and minorities. And I would guess (but this is anecdotal) that it is also more prevalent in singers.

Since learning how to manage imposter syndrome is the same process for singers and non-singers alike, I've got you covered, either way.

For this article, I'm going to focus on one of the main tenets of my approach to coaching clients through imposter syndrome - transforming your perceived flaws into features.

You don't have to actually change anything about your so-called flaws. You just have to recognize their value and move from hiding them in shame to proudly sharing them as evidence of your skills, experience, and insight.

I'll explain an important way I had to do this myself, once upon a time, and why it taught me how to manage imposter syndrome.

As a singer and vocal coach, I was a late-bloomer.

I didn't discover modern vocal technique until I was in my 30's. When I could finally sing the way I had always wanted, I took a certification course so I could teach what I learned and help spread the good word!

In my early years of vocal coaching, when I looked around at the way other coaches sold their services, I doubted myself. Severely. There were coaches who could name-drop famous people. And coaches with years of experience working with well-known studio musicians in Nashville. And coaches who had been university-level singing teachers. One coach regularly talked about being on Broadway when she was eight.

I couldn't compete with any of that!

So, I stuffed the shame of my "insufficient" experience and tried to pretend it wasn't there taunting me. And I secretly hated myself when anyone even remotely hinted at it. That's the problem with imposter feelings. They make you believe you should be able to compete with the accomplishments of others. But really, what's the point of that?

If two people bring the exact same experience and insight to the table, one of them is superfluous.

The coach who can name-drop famous people has a niche. So does the young Broadway singer. And so do I.

Being born an average singer and not finding stardom at a young age are not my flaws. They are my features. I'm the coach for late-bloomers who want to recapture an old singing dream. Not only do I understand firsthand how to help late-bloomers, those other coaches explicitly don't.

This realization was a turning point for me, the moment I began to take back control of my inner "imposter."

So, how do you apply this concept in your life?

You already have plenty of ammunition for this mindset shift. I promise! That's what suggestion #5 below directly addresses. But first, consider these other suggestions for how to manage imposter syndrome and start turning your so-called flaws into features.

1. Embrace Vulnerability:

Imposter syndrome often stems from the fear of being exposed as a fraud. You'll only further inflame those fraudulent feelings by lying about them. Instead, choose the correct people to be vulnerable with about your feelings. Let your partner/kids/audience see your authentic self - doubts, goals, hopes, values. Vulnerability can connect you more deeply with others and make you more relatable, while taking some of the power away from your imposter feelings.

2. Use Imposter Feelings as Creative Fuel:

Imposter syndrome can serve as a well of emotions that can fuel your creativity in art and in life. Again, expressing feelings of doubt and insecurity helps deflate their power over you. You can do this through art, music, poetry, or storytelling. Any outward expression of your doubts and insecurities will be freeing, as well as become a tool for healing and progress.

3. Turn Mistakes into (Creative or Life) Art:

Artists often incorporate imperfections and mistakes into their work. Instead of seeing your doubts as liabilities, consider them unique qualities that shape your style. This is what I talked about above. Embrace your past imperfections as the battle scars of things you've learned from and that make you wiser and even more worthy of respect than before you made the mistakes.

4. Connect with a Community:

Connect with your peeps - ones who get you and create a mutually supportive environment. If these people aren't already in your life, go out and find them. Open mics. Book clubs. Cooking classes. Self-improvement workshops. Consider looking for Meetups near you. Interacting with likeminded people and sharing your journey can be empowering and imposter-thwarting for both you and those around you.

5. Shift Your Mindset:

This is probably the most important suggestion of all, which is why it's last on the list. I want it to linger in your mind. It's the same lesson I learned in those early vocal coaching years. It's time to stop looking at others to assess all the skills, knowledge, and experience they possess but you lack, and time to start noticing the skills, knowledge, and experience that you possess, but they lack.

Your past mistakes add the most value to what you can offer the world. Don't hide them in shame. Flaunt them like an IV league education. You deserve to love yourself, like yourself, forgive yourself, and believe in yourself!

Confidence Coaching Posts

3 Mindset Shifts So Singers Can Overcome Imposter Syndrome

Are you a singer looking for ways to overcome imposter syndrome?

You work hard on your voice. Maybe you’ve gotten positive feedback about your singing. But you still feel anxious about putting yourself out there, not good enough, not like a “real” singer. Maybe the next performance will be the one where everyone finds out you’re a fraud.

This was me when I was younger. Despite formal training and years of experience, I still didn’t feel worthy of my dreams, or like a peer among other musicians. I needed help to overcome imposter syndrome. I got it. And now I’m passing on what I’ve learned to you.

What is imposter syndrome?

A singer with imposter syndrome may:

Experience chronic doubt in his/her abilities.
Live with a persistent fear of being discovered as a fraud.
Have feelings of inadequacy despite evidence to the contrary.
Be convinced that their successes are the result of luck, timing, or even a mistake made by those giving accolades.
Talk themselves out of beneficial experiences to avoid possibly being outed as a fraud.

(What did I miss? What do you experience?)

Why you want to overcome imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is one of several inner demons that has the potential to kill your singing dream.

It stops singers from taking advantage of (or creating) career enhancing opportunities.
It becomes an obstacle standing between you of your best performances.
It becomes an obstacle between you and your happiness.
Constantly fighting this demon is exhausting and stressful.
If left unchecked, it can lead to burnout and the surrender of your dream.

The first step to taking back your power from this inner “imposter” is recognizing it’s there. So let me start by saying, good for you for finding and reading this!

There are many layers to learning to manage this demon. The three steps I’m about to discuss are a great starting place. At the end of this article, I’ll give you a super effective (and easy, and free) way to dive deeper.

3 Ways for Singers to Begin to Overcome Imposter Syndrome.

Recognize that your "fraud" feelings are just feelings, and that does not make them accurate. Even if you want to improve your skills, you are still not a fraud today. You are a worthy singer on a journey of improvement. Consider getting feedback from someone you trust… a vocal coach maybe. That person will help you appreciate your strengths and make a gameplan to develop your weaknesses,
Know that you’re not alone. About 70% of people experience some form of imposter syndrome. Think of that. If you’re on stage with ten people, seven of them probably have or have had imposter feelings just like you. Maybe even that singer that you’re intimidated by and a little jealous of!
Never make perfection the goal. Perfection is the enemy of growth, happiness, and art. It’s also an unattainable goal, which means striving for it only fuels that inner imposter when you can’t reach it. Instead, strive for progress. Little wins equal big successes!

These mindset shifts are a great place to start, but I promised you more. Well, here it is!

I've got a super effective (and easy and free) way for you to gain a deeper understanding of imposter syndrome.

It's a quiz designed to help you better understand how much this phenomenon impacts you, complete with explanations and suggestions for taking back your power from your inner "imposter."

The quiz is just ten questions and includes a results page you can bookmark and return to repeatedly as you work to manage this challenge. You got this!

Take the Imposter Syndrome Quiz for Singers

Confidence Coaching Posts

How to Build Confidence: The Answer is in Your Past.

Are you looking to build confidence and self-esteem?

If someone asked me this question in my twenties, I would have answered no. I knew I needed more self-belief, but my number one survival skill at the time was convincing others I didn't. And I got good at it. Sometimes I fooled myself!

Confiding in no one about how I felt about myself was lonely at times. And worse than that, it caused me to flail, because I didn't know how to help myself, and I didn't know how to ask for help.

Not everyone's experience is as extreme as mine. And some experiences are more extreme. But they all warrant reworking.

As far as we know, we get one chance to buzz around as a human on this planet. We all deserve to make it the best ride possible.

Here's your 3-step roadmap...

Step 1: How did I lose my way?

This is the first question to ask yourself - because most likely, there were unspoken messages that taught you at a young age you're not worthy or capable of great things.

At a young age, I learned to feel invisible and unimportant. I also learned that asking for help would lead to bad emotional consequences. Either I would be made to feel bad for asking (my father) or the help I needed was a burden and only given grudgingly (my mother).

I don't know what indirect lessons you learned or why, but this question is the beginning of finding yourself again. So ask and answer it!

(incidentally, if you want help thinking this out, I'm here for you - see below.)

Step 2: How has this impacted my life?

Once you understand why you lost your way, you can reexamine your life since that time with fresh eyes. You'll begin to easily spot the moments you made choices based on those old learned lessons - choices that furthered you down wrong paths.

Now... This is no time to judge yourself for those choices. Of course you made them! Because of the survival skills you once needed. But you don't need them anymore.

Once you see the ways your old belief systems informed those choices, you can begin to make new and better ones. One at a time. Baby steps.

Great. I understand my mistakes. Now What?

We've gotten to the fun part. I swear. Well, if you're doing it right it should at least include large segments of fun (I consider "large segments of fun" a great overall life goal). Keep reading to see what I mean...

Yup! That's me...

Step 3: Turn the You that could have been into the You you become.

The key to a future of confidence lies in your past.

In the person you already knew you were when you were 8. In the person you might have become had conditioning and life circumstances not turned you in a different direction.

You don’t have to create someone new. That person is already there waiting for you:

Waiting for you to chisel away all those self-limiting beliefs.
Waiting for you to stop making your obligations to others more important than your obligation to yourself.
Waiting to have true potential realized - for old dreams to become new hopes.

I go all out with this re-envisioning.

You don't have to, but with my clients, we go all out. We imagine the confident child being free to grow into a confident adult. We give this adult a name. We create the life this person led, the fashion choices, the personal likes and dislikes. This person becomes the swagger, the boldness, the certainty clients have been looking for... and becomes their mentor.

I have a name for this person inside me. It's S.O. And in intimidating moments, I call her up and she takes the reigns. She reminds me who I am and how I want to be. She makes me chuckle at life.

This may sound like a personality disorder, but it's not. It's my replacement survival skill. And it works! Test me. Try it yourself.

Good luck on your journey. And remember, have fun! - Judy

Confidence Coaching Posts

She Was Nice, So I Didn’t Say Anything: A cautionary tale about standing up for yourself

As females, our conditioning to be nice runs deep, which sometimes makes standing up for yourself hard.

This is exactly what I help female confidence coaching clients rewrite the script on. Yet, even after spending years rewriting the script for myself, I fell prey to it not so long ago. Why did I slip backwards into the "be nice and smile" pit? Because the other person was being incredibly nice. So, I didn't say anything.

Several years ago, I decided to invest more in myself and my business. This was a big decision. I was always an "I'll just do it myself" kind of person. But there is a benefit to using other people's expertise, and I decided it was time for me to do that. Based on a recommendation from an acquaintance, I hired a company to build my new membership/course website.

Warning signs were there early on. For example, the owner and I had a phone meeting where it was clear that she had not taken notes during the previous discussion because she didn't remember some very basic aspects of what I wanted to put out there via my new website. But she seemed very nice and inquisitive during this phone call, so I let it go and didn't say anything.

Eight or nine weeks later, when it was supposed to be time for the site to launch, she was out of town.

Her team was supposed to let me know what was going on but I heard nothing for more than a day. So, I wrote to the office associate who told me they ran into some snags but were working on it and she'd get back to me. A couple of days passed with no word. But the office worker had seemed really nice. There were lots of exclamation marks in her email!!! So, I didn't say anything.

The following week, still no website launch. The owner was back and telling me there were unforeseen issues, and well, you can't predict all the problems you might run into at launch. They were working to get the set launched ASAP, and she was really sorry. So, I let it go and didn't say anything.

The site launched soon after that...

...and I informed all my current members how to log into the new site.

But then more problems arose, and I had to tell my members "just kidding!" It was embarrassing, but the owner felt "really, really bad" and promised me she was on it. So, I stopped saying anything.

The website was finally up and members could use it again.

But it was riddled with bad links, and typos, and other problems. I sent a punch list to the owner who forwarded it to her office worker to deal with. You see, the web designers were no longer working on my project. They had moved on to more important things, I guess.

The office worker diligently completed the punch list but didn't seem to notice that what she changed didn't look like the other pages on the website. She was still very nice (still rocking the exclamation marks!!!), so instead of saying anything. I just fixed it myself.

And that "do it myself" reflex of mine continued.

Instead of planning and implementing marketing strategies for the new site, I spent the following weeks fixing and updating the things that I had paid for them to complete.

In a moment of frustration and disappointment, I wrote an email to the owner telling her there were aspects of the site that didn't function correctly and I didn't know how to fix them. I told her that I felt she abandoned me before the job was done.

She called and apologized, and then told me how the poor launch triggered old baggage in her. Suddenly, we're talking about deep shit that had nothing to do with building a website.

And when the conversation was over, my abandonment resumed. She did absolutely nothing to rectify the situation. I was alone with my website again. But she had confided in me about her inner little girl. How do I complain after that? So, I didn't say anything more.

Months passed and hours upon hours of my life were spent making a great (and functioning) website myself. I did finally lay out a detailed collection of all the ways that she had wasted my time and did not provide what she promised. And she gave me a partial refund.

But...

I still wasted time and money that perhaps I would not have had I been willing to be direct (and mean!) and demand what I was promised along the way.

What's the point of this story?

I actually debated not sharing this. But I think coaches spend too much time acting as though they are infallible. We're all human and occasionally, even we coaches, fall short of how we want to be.

It's easy to recognize the need to stand up for ourselves when someone is being a douchebag.

But, when they're nice, not so much. The truth is, though, she was never nice to me. She just wore a smile as she treated me like a pile of dog shit she stepped in. Nothing is nice about that.

So, let me ask you, what are you not saying anything about right now? Who might be taking advantage of you with niceness? And are you ready to speak up?

Confidence Coaching Posts

A Ledge with a View: Finding My Ideal Life Persona

As I write this, I am 52. So many things changed once I passed 50. And I’m not just talking about the leg cramps and sagging body parts. I’m talking about the realization that I’m running out of decades. It makes the desire to even pretend to entertain situations that waste any of my time completely fall away.

More than that, though, there is an incredible view of the past from this place. A 360-degree analysis of all that led me here.

The scenery is filled with beauty, sadness, victories, and some other words that those who love me don’t like me using, like failure and regret. But it’s all there if I’m being honest. And examining it from this viewpoint, it combines into one amazing and wisdom-filled landscape.

I've had a fairly transitory life. In the past decade, my husband and I have lived in 3 different homes plus 3 different RVs! I've been in tons of bands, had a few businesses (including one during the housing crisis!), and a lot of general ups and downs.

Mid-COVID, I experienced a particularly low point.

We were transitioning out of RV #3 and looking for a place to live during THE WORST time. Both houses and rentals were at a premium and scarce.

We landed in an apartment in an isolated town in Maine. I was carless (because we were waiting to buy a house first), I spent thousands of dollars on a marketing specialist who took my money and left me stranded, my blood pressure was out of control, and menopause was kicking my a**.

There are so many things I love about what I do, but the most beneficial aspect of coaching others is that you can’t help but splatter some of that coaching onto yourself. And that’s what happened. I gathered my coaching tools and sat on that metaphorical rock ledge for several months examining how I got there.

I started by looking at old pictures and reading old lyrics I’d written.
I recorded myself sharing stories from my past and journaled about the dreams I remembered having as a child.
I reacquainted myself with the person I once was, a person that had to alter her language and choices over the years to fit the needs of family, clients, and others.
I began to imagine what she would be like today had she been free to evolve naturally. What would she think? How would she talk and dress? What would she do in her daily life?
I even named her. She's called S.O.

It was a magical, life-altering, and incredibly fun journey.

And it was the final tweak to my coaching model that has proven effective for every person I've since worked with. And fun. And what's the point of doing something if it's not fun?

I’m going to tell you more about SO in future articles (like how she and I almost ran away with the circus).

For now, I want to help you to uncover and name your own S.O.. Will you let me do that? I hope to meet you both soon! - Judy

Schedule a Free Consult

Artist Development Posts, Confidence Coaching Posts

Coming Back From Imposter Syndrome

My musical journey began around age six. That’s the year I had my first solo performance. It was on the trombone. The song I performed was When The Saints Go Marching In. This was the first of many musical “wins” I experienced at a young age, well before I became a music student in college.

Despite the plethora of experiences, accolades, and accomplishments I made early in life, I still went into the adult world feeling like an imposter and struggling with severe performance anxiety. I avoided opportunities that presented themselves, chose projects that weren’t me, and deferred to others who didn’t have my knowledge and experience.

When I tell friends this today, they are shocked. Even the ones who knew me back then. I had used my social chameleon to convince them I was exactly where I wanted to be. The bigger problem, of course, was that my chameleon convinced me, as well.

It would have taken a mere glance at myself to see through my own deceit and self-imposed obstacles. But I didn’t know to look. And I didn’t have someone else to point my eyes in the right direction, and be there to nudge me forward.

Still, I got there, despite the unnecessary strolls around the block it took me to arrive. And the journey instilled in me an unquenchable thirst for helping others like me take a much shorter path. I essentially designed the Female Lead Singer membership bundle for myself – a much younger version of myself. Come to think of it, the Budding Songwriter bundle is also for a younger me. These things are the closest I can get to going back in time and doing better for myself.

I encourage you, wherever you are on your path, to take regular quiet moments to ask yourself two questions:

Is there something I’m lying to myself, or misleading myself about that’s negatively impacting something important to me?
What can I do to stop the lie, and if need be, who can help me?

I’m happy with where I am today but sad for the younger me who needed support and didn’t have it. Let me be that support for you, if you need it, and make it a goal to learn to be that support for yourself.

Artist Development Posts, Confidence Coaching Posts

How to Communicate: For People and Artists

People tend to believe that good communication is about knowing what you want to say. And that is certainly an important step. If you’re not clear on the message, it’ll be hard to deliver it. But this is only one step in successful communication.

I’ve heard others say that good communication is about listening. I understand the point of this statement, and it makes for a great Facebook meme. But once I know the What of my message, I hardly think listening would be the next step.

No. The next step after What is How. And this is where a lot of communication goes awry. We see things the way we see them, and we forget that the view, language, and experience is always different from another angle. That angle could be influenced by your past experiences, or your personal priorities, how you interpret certain words, or a myriad of other variables. And from that standpoint, no perspective is wrong. They’re just different.

Nothing drove this home for me more than my experiences practicing in bands. And when I began to apply a similar approach to the messages of my craft and business, it was equally beneficial. Before we get to that, though, imagine this scenario during a band rehearsal:

Drummer: Let’s go back to the part where I go (swings arms around wildly) bap-bu-bee-boo, taka-taka-tee, taka-taka-tee.

Rhythm Guitarist: You mean the section where I’m strumming on the upbeats?

Keyboardist: No. Where I play that string pad for eight measures, right?

Drummer: No, the part where I go (swings arms around wildly again) bap-bu-bee-boo, taka-taka-tee, taka-taka-tee.

Singer: You mean, when I sing “Ooh baby” twice?

Drummer: No. This part. Taka-taka-tee, taka-taka-tee.

Rhythm Guitarist: Right! Where I’m strumming on the upbeats.

Lead Guitarist: Just before the solo at the bridge?

Drummer: No. This part. Taka-taka-tee, taka-taka-tee.

Singer: Oh! I know what you mean. When I’m riffing on the word “looooove!”

Drummer: No! I quit! (starts taking down his set).

This is an exaggerated interaction, but only a little.

The problem in this scenario is that everyone understands the song from the perspective of their own experience with it. None of them is aware enough of the other members’ perspectives to be able to communicate productively. If the drummer knew what his bandmates were doing at the place in the song he wanted to practice, he’d have been able to easily communicate what he wanted.

The same goes for your craft, whatever it may be. If you have a great idea for a song, choosing the best lyrics and structuring them in a way that will be understood and memorable for the listener isn’t “selling out to the capitalist complex.” It’s putting your great message into a format where it’ll best be received. Isn’t that the point of having a message?

I often get pushback from creative folks who “don’t want to ruin their art by learning music theory.” But the reality is, Western music theory is ingrained in our culture. Our ears already know what it sounds like, training or not. You can innovate inside it, but everyone will know if you do it straight-up wrong. It’s like saying, I don’t want to ruin my writing by learning the alphabet. It’s silliness. But I’ve gotten a little off-track.

Changing how you communicate so you can be understood by someone who doesn’t think like you is not giving in or selling out. It’s being a good communicator. Which means, a well-delivered message will change according to circumstances.

If I want to help a singer who is very religious open up and let loose, I’ll tell him to spread his arms, look upward, and sing to God. If I want the same from an atheist singer who loves being out in nature, I’ll tell her to imagine she’s standing at the rocky summit of a mountain she just climbed and sing to the glorious setting sun. I don’t do this because I’m two-faced about religious convictions. I do it because good communication isn’t about me. It’s about the person I’m communicating to.

So the next time you get frustrated by someone who doesn’t understand you, ask yourself, “Am I being like that drummer Judy wrote about?” Then, instead of examining your message (or giving up), examine the receiver. And learn that person’s language.

I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Confidence Coaching Posts

The Curse of Low Expectations.

Unless you live alone in a cave, the quality of your life depends in large part on your relationship skills – your relationship with yourself, with your partner, with your peers, with your family, with bosses, with the world at large. Living confidently requires having healthy relationship skills in all those areas, so that you can be true to yourself and share yourself in any setting, no matter who is present.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve had to overcome is something I call The Curse of Low Expectations. And it would fall under the category of Relationship with Myself.

Now, this is something that probably impacts women and some minorities a little extra. And my experience in this topic is definitely gender related. But anyone can experience this curse. Sometimes it even comes from those who love us the most, whether it’s because they don’t know how to dream or because the doubt they feel about themselves splatters onto us.

It doesn’t matter why. It matters only whether or not you allow their low expectations to become your own. Before I had a better relationship with myself, I spent a lot of time doing just that.

Years ago, I was a founding member of a New England wedding band. I had been invited to join the newly forming project as their keyboardist when I was still in another band, so I initially turned the offer down. Several weeks later, it was clear the current band was falling apart, so I upgraded my answer to “Yes.”

At the first rehearsal, there was a buzz of excitement in the air. It was a ten-piece band, and most of us didn’t know each other, so there was enthusiasm and newness all around.

As I set up my keyboard, a member of the horn section came bounding up to me with a grin on his face. He told me he was so glad that I decided to be a part of the project. I smiled wholeheartedly and nodded in agreement.

Then he continued with something along the lines of, “because we were talking, and we realized that now we have three distinct female body types in the band.”

As I stood there nodding and thinking, “Crap! I’m already smiling,” my heart sank. The tone was set at thirty seconds in. It appeared that my musical contribution was not nearly as important to at least some of my male bandmates as was the body type I provided. It felt so incredibly shitty.

Now, this is by far not an unusual attitude for male bandmates to have toward their female counterparts. That’s why I did what all us females do after taking a gut punch. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.

But the attitude remained throughout my time with the band. It mostly showed itself in how we dressed.

Since the project was inspired by the Commitments, our two lead singers were female. It’s common in upscale bands for lead singers to dress somewhat flashy, while the other bandmembers wear black. We chose this approach, as well.

I considered myself one of the “other bandmembers” but I was apparently alone with that thought. To my male bandmates, I was a female. I was there to provide the third body type. They wanted me to dress accordingly.

I never really did, mostly because I’m not a cocktail dress kind of person. But I tried to wear shirts that matched the singers. I usually hated them. The shirts, not the singers. But I felt obligated to reach some level of their expectations.

Shirts aren’t what’s important here. It was the idea that I wasn’t there for my musical contribution that somehow stunted me. I already had my own doubts, and what I perceived as their doubt amplified them. Instead of taking on an attitude of “I can do this, and I’ll get better and better!” I began to feel that there was some low ceiling of possibility. And that the top of my head was already touching it. It stopped me from trying to grow as much as I could, and from feeling like a peer among my bandmates.

The problem here was not the old fashioned yet still-current attitude of my male bandmates. It was how I responded to it. That’s on me. I’ve often wondered what may have been different for me if that horn player had said, “I’m so glad you decided to do this. You’re going to make a great musical addition!” But again, it was on me to lift myself up.

And I learned to. I did that by learning who I am and how I need things to be. And by becoming unafraid of setting that person free. And by trusting in both my current abilities and the future ones I’m capable of obtaining. In a nutshell, I improved my relationship with myself.

A few years ago, I was in a different band with a similar situation. But I was older and wiser now. Most of my self-doubt (because we all have SOME) had been replaced with confidence, and with the understanding that wherever we are in our journeys, we are all just artists-in-progress. Because of that, when the old male drummer expressed doubt in me, it didn’t trigger anything. And when it was clear that there would never be a coming-together between us as peers, I left the band. It was on me to be who I am and do what I need.

And it’s on you. Do you let the low expectations of others become your curse? If so, what will you do about it? I’d love to hear…

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